Now and then I sit here, on the porch steps smoking myself into space and chain smoking cigarettes like they’re going out of style. I don’t mind this. The train is rushing to its next stop, chugging along, echoing through the trees. The highway off in the distance. Not too close, close enough to hear the sound of their tires vibrating against the pavement. Sometimes I find this peaceful. Infact, routine maybe. When I ponder to my left, searching the sky; the little dipper is always there to remind me where I am.
I don’t know what to do. I want to run, move away. Go somewhere fresh where no one knows the old me. How simple that sounds. Just save for a while, book a flight, pack what I want and go. I wonder if I did that if I’d ever come back. Maybe leaving will change me, or make a fool out of me. Either way, half of me wants to try. I’m thinking florida. Beautiful weather, beaches, opportunity. A good place to keep ayden out of trouble. I know he’ll end up in trouble here. Just like his parents. I wonder if this would be good. Go down and try to make it for myself. If I succeed, bring Ayden down and live happily.
I’m smoking a menthol light right now. I’m buzzed so it’s alright, I guess. I put on fake nails until I can afford to go have them professionaly put on. I’ve decided I’ll be fond of the short french acrylic. I’m trying to think and all I can think of is how nasty this cigarette tastes. If you like minty flavored stuff they’re all for you, but I favor southern cut or reds. I’m working quite a bit. It’s a different environment but I’m really enjoying it. Most of the people I’ve met are really nice and caring. The owners help out like crazy and it’s fun. I’m hoping they’ll let me expand and learn other stations. I’m begging for more hours. I work hard so I don’t see why I couldn’t move up there. I took Saturday off and made everyone change their schedules to realize it’s not until next weekend. Like what the fuck. Anyways that’s about all. Oh, I paid my car insurance on my own for the first time. Fuck yes. Saving up to move, almost there :) big girl status!
I don’t know where this all started. Us being against each other. I just want to get this all out. Maybe you’ll see this, maybe you won’t.
I feel that for the most part of our friendship, I have given way more than you have. And not that I mind, because I have always wanted to be there. To be a part of your life. I remember a time that you lost sight of yourself. You were searching for yourself and I didn’t have a part in that because you wouldn’t allow it. You shut me out of your life. We didn’t speak. And to be honest that broke my heart. I chased you around and merely begged for a spot in your life. Now I know that I shouldn’t have. I know that you have to find yourself on your own. That doesn’t take help from anyone else. And after a while I learned to respect it. Later on we caught back up and mended our relationship. And for that, I am grateful.
Over the years, I have listened to every complaint, cry, every rant, all the bad and good, I listened to you. I was a friend to you. I would drop everything I was doing when you would call. I would put you before myself. I have always supported your thoughts, decisions, choices, and feelings. I would go out of my way to see you happy. It was a great feeling to me that you chose me to confide in. I guess I could say that one the reverse side of it, there were certain things that I would allow you in on. My childhood was something I rarely spoke of to you. I lived a very dark, sad child hood. When you would complain about your child hood, I would listen. But my past is not something I chose to share with anyone, now or ever. No matter how close, my skeletons of my child hood will remain in the closet. I chose to keep my addiction for the most part, to myself. I tried to not involve you, or anyone for that matter in what I was dealing with. The mental and physical. But with the things that I did share with you, we’re also sentimental. With you I felt I could be myself. The loud, rambunctious, obnoxious, dramatic person that I am. You accepted it. And somehow we fit together as best friends. Things that I have shared with you over the years, are things that I will never allow someone else to know about me. I trusted you with a part of me that I kept locked inside.
If you needed something, I was there. If you would call crying, I stayed up and listened to you. I would give you my best advice, help you step by step to make the best decisions possible. I feel that on your end, you didn’t do the same for me. You rarely listened to me, and hardly ever went out of your way for me. Honestly, it didn’t bother me much. Personally, I enjoy when someone chooses me to confide in. I loved that I was the one that you called when you were upset or needed a self esteem boost. That’s just the way I am. I like to see people happy.
I am very thankful that you got to be a part of Aydens life. I loved watching you interact with him. It was a different side of you, and not many got to see that side of you. Being a parent is hard. Being a teenage parent is even harder. Going through what I did, it made it even harder than it should have been. I feel blessed that you got to be a part of his life in the way you were. And for that, I thank you.
A lot of times you kept me waiting. I can understand things happen, but you were always more worried about your time and not worried about someone elses. This is a problem that I had with you. Because I have Ayden, I can’t sit around and wait on someone. But I always did for you. And I guess that’s my mistake. I thought so much of you that I would put you before my own child. How awful is that? Maybe that’s where I need to learn, nothing or no one is more important than my son. Not even you.
The last time that I saw you, I came over at around 12 maybe. I asked to hang out. Not to mention that I didn’t have Ayden for the weekend. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was worried about him being with his father. I needed a FRIEND that day. Very badly. I told you multiple times that I was having a bad day and I needed to keep busy. I guess if you told me that, I would have made sure I was there for you. I didn’t need you to stop everything you were doing, I just needed to feel involved. I needed my friends to take my problems off my mind for a while. There is no reason I should feel like I was in the wrong because of that. You decided to go to chelsies. You gave me some bullshit excuse that her boyfriend didn’t know me. That’s bullshit. I talked to him and her every time I seen them. He knows me. We were cool with each other. And then some dumb excuse that her mom was sick. She doesn’t even live under the same roof as her mom. I’m not stupid. All of “our friends” were going to hang out there and I happen to be the only one uninvited. Strictly, that I wasn’t wanted there. How do you think that I felt??? Awful. I felt so low about myself. You kept telling me that you would be back in an hour or so. Not That I’m Your Mother but I sat at your house and waited for HOURS! You could have given me a simple answer. Of course I sat there and waited because I was upset and needed a friend. But you literally dipped on me. Then you come home and go to sleep, after I’d sat there all day just wanting to talk to you. I wonder what it’s like to have someone that cares so much about my input that they wait around all day just to have a conversation with you. Then I leave and get some random text saying money is missing out of your dad’s house. The story changed, first it was your dad’s money is missing. Then two days later you have the audacity to text me and basically accuse me of stealing $5. Five fucking dollars Tiffanie. Do you know how pathetic and sad that sounds??? That is ridiculous. I’m not stupid enough to snatch money from you. I know how you are with your money. I just had $500 deposited on my card as a was sitting there all night waiting on you to come home. So why the fuck would I take $5??? I honestly believe that you made it up. Misplaced it something Idk. It’s not my problem to worry about where your personal belongings went. You come home and say you went out to eat at Big Mamas. You know, most of the time I’d pick up food for you. I’d ask if you needed anything. I’d ask oh hey tiff do you need cigarettes or are you hungry? You dipped on me, could have asked me if I wanted to be involved. But you didn’t. It’s not that I needed a damn burrito, it’s the simple fact that you knew I was waiting and you chose to leave there. You could have invited me. Made me feel like a meant something. As a mom, I always feel left out. I try to be the best friend that I can be because I hope that you as my friend would return it.
Or the party you, Marla, misty, and Megan had. That was another time that Kyle had ayden. I asked if you guys had plans. Asked if you were doing anything. Marla legit lied to me. You guys hitting up hookah was Facebook official but I get a text saying nothing is going on? Maybe I would have liked to go. In fact I know I did and it hurt like hell that I knew I was being lied to. Later on you tell me that you haven’t been ignoring me, your phone has been dead. When it rang four times every time. And the fact that you and Misty are posting your beer pictures on instagram. You guys were deliberately ignoring me. For all the times that I come running to you and help you out, listen to you bitch, everything. And that’s how I’m treated when all I wanted was to be involved? It’s funny how my feelings never meant shit to you but I put yours on a pedestal. I may sound like I’m being a cry baby. I know I am but I don’t care. That hurt me really bad. But it’s okay because you were content. Acting all surprised when I walked in. Oh yea we just got here. I knew that was some shit. Jordan told me what you guys were doing. It really sucked being lied to that way.
So after that night that I was accused of taking your measly $5, you couldn’t talk to me. After years of friend ship you basically end it with a text message. Do you think that’s pathetic because I sure as hell do. Im sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear. I honestly don’t care. I still would do anything in the world for you. I know I didn’t take a dime off of you. I will not apologize for that. I didn’t do it. I feel you made this up just because you don’t want to be friends anymore. And what a cowardly way of doing so. I’m sorry but I deserved a lot more than that shit. I’m always honest with you. That’s what this is, me writing this is me being honest with you. I’m tired of being taken advantage of. I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with. But either are you. If there were a problem, you should have come to me and discussed it. I won’t chase you around again begging to be apart of your life when you have done very little for me. I hope one day we can re salvage our friendship. Because you know you have a good friend here. You won’t find many people that will selflessly give their time away like I have for you.
I know that I have said some things. I wrote shit on my twitter, in hopes of you seeing it. I want you to know that I’m angry for the way that I have been treated. I understand that you can just throw people away like they’re trash. But considering all I’ve put up with and stuck by your side. I’ve been better than just a best friend. The only person that will be missing out is you. And I hate for it to be that way. We’re allowed to have argument’s. We’re allowed to get angry with each other. But I won’t tolerate being treated like shit. I really hate that this is how it is. Maybe one day when you figure out your direction in life we can become friends again. This isn’t an “I’m not your friend anymore” thing. I’ll always be here and you know it. I’ve said things out of anger just like you have. The difference is, is that I can sit and tell you what’s going on and you run and hide from it. You can tell whatever is going on. Even if it’s something I don’t want to hear. That’s what friends do.
So for now Tiffanie. I’m sorry for what I said that was negative. I hope you figure your life out. I wish you nothing but the best. And I hope one day we can regain our friendship on some level. Take care my friend.
I slept great last night. When the Thunder rolled in that great man was there to let me wrap myself in, and I slept even better. I never thought i would feel so safe in another man’s arms. And just like that, every feeling I felt for the man I spent years with, beaded a child with. They’re gone. I can’t remember what I felt for him. And with this new man, I feel so many things towards. My heart tells me that I found a man worth keeping, because he was genuinely worth it.
Handling him is like a walk in the park. His attitude is a family trait. So I’ve heard. Sometimes it’s compared to walking on broken glass. But I manage to get through it as gracefully as possible. My relationship prior was more of a mentality game. It’s not like that now. It’s a physical way that he projects his emotions. And I much rather know how he’s feeling than have to beg to uncover the darkness. As long as we know how one another felt, it seems to make it even better between us. I struggle with holding back what I feel. I have a tendency to gather my feelings and thoughts. I will think about them and decide whether or not to act on them. Usually I do not. I am learning from this man that my feelings are admired and taken at note. It’s a learning experience for me, and one for him also.
Asking him what his thoughts were on us being together. Ya know, actually together! I knew for some reason it scared him. Once he said he thought it might go somewhere, there wasn’t much thinking left to do. Just remain the same girl he’s so interested in and not complicate the situation. I was fine with that. At least for a while. Six months have gone by since he first seen me and gotten my number that night. We slowed into it. Just talking, hanging out late at night that summer. We drove on back roads, he kissed me in front of his friends. All of them bewildered at his physical actions with me, and even his emotional ones. Where he confided in his friends on how much he wants me. We drank, had bonfires, we fucked in his old truck. Man do I love a Ford! He met my son a few weeks in. That terrified look on his face. And I knew it was make or break it. If he couldn’t deal with a child, I would understand. But I would have been sad. Now they sit and read the morning sports reports together, share food, and play all night. The three of us, we’re happy.
When I look at him, I see a completely genuine man. Once you pull back the layers, you’ll find he’s sweet and a good hearted person. The right morals all lined up in one. A protective man, and what woman doesn’t enjoy that. He works hard and I have a feeling he loves harder. He loves his job. Physical labor isn’t easy. But he’s enjoys what he does and he’s proud of the work he puts in. There is nothing that makes me happier then when he walks in the door and I ask him how his day way, and he tells me it was great. He barely complains, gets angry sometimes yes. The enthusiasm he carries some how makes myself want to be more like that. He has a positive outlook and a peaceful life. That I could get use to.
He even talks about my son and I. To his friends, to his family. He has taken me to his parents for dinner. Sat and raved about how beautiful my son is. “Oh he’s amazing. A good kid.” When others curious tendencies get too large, he fills them in that I always have my son, rarely catching a break. That his dad doesn’t tend to help. He speaks highly of me, and maybe I happen to fall head over heals when someone tells me about it.
I was so afraid of moving on. I let it destroy me. Somehow with this man in my life, I’m learning to take care of myself through him. He came into my life after the storm ravished the person that I was. That I am thankful for. At a point in my life where I was utterly and foolishly unlovable, this man made me feel special and most of all, wanted.
I had a life planned. At 19 years old I had my life set in stone. And I fought like mad to keep it that way. All those plans, dreams vanished. Right before me everything slipped away. It took years to regain a soft side of me. Somehow the sweet girl that believed in nothing but good lost every bit of emotion. Addiction will do that to you, add trauma in and tour life is spinning out of control. I’ve learned to let it all go. To forget the life I had planned. It’s okay to set plans in stone. But they have to be in motion before it’s in stone. You have to be working at it to want it. I guess I wanted it all. The married life with the father of my child. Working in in a hospital saving lives. I’ve realized how lucky I am all my plans caught in flames. The man I revolved my world around didn’t have my plans in mind, my dreams and wants were bigger than he could handle it. He couldn’t see his future like that. This man that has bewildered me, wants what I want. I can have someone next to me and still want and dream the dreams I’ve prayed for since I was young. I know what I want. And he constantly reminds me that I need to go for it. He’s encouraging and motivated. That’s a man I need. A man I want.
I finally feel free. I feel good and damn happy. It’s like a breath of fresh air. And this spring weather slowly coming in after a long hard winter, makes it even better. With spring comes new opportunities. I’m lost in thoughts of thankfulness. I couldn’t be happier that I am now. I can’t let my past dictate my future anymore, or ever again. Letting go has to be simple. If I wouldn’t have let go of the man and life that wasn’t suitable for me, or changed my ways of thinking and living, I wouldn’t have this outstanding man in my life. I wouldn’t have the good things that are going on in my present. I am thankful. I am loved. I have moved on